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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29657523">some days I am too proud to ask for help</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom'>wafflesofdoom</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Pre-Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:15:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,071</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29657523</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>eddie had heard some grim noises, in his life, but the scream he heard his best friend let out as they rescued him from the factory fire the was up there with one of the worst things eddie had ever heard. it was raw - and broken. and maybe it was the implications of that scream, that scared eddie more than the sound itself, but either way, there was something wrong with his best friend.</p><p>- or, a post 4x05 coda that explores eddie's concern for buck's mental wellbeing after the factory fire.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>536</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>some days I am too proud to ask for help</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>tw for a theme of suicidal ideation throughout - this fic absolutely interprets bucks 'i almost gave up' line in 4x05 as an implication of suicidal thoughts. </p><p>title from river by josh groban.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie had heard some grim noises, in his life. He didn’t like to talk about it, all that much, but the sounds of war were forever imprinted on his mind – the sound of bombs, and bullets, of the agonising screams of a person who’d been caught up in an IED explosion, the way their pain had sounded, the quiet cries of soldiers who didn’t want to admit that the career they’d chosen, for better or worse, was breaking them.</p><p>Eddie had heard a lot of heart-breaking noises, in his life. How Shannon sounded when she cried – because of him, usually. The way Christopher had cried and screamed in his arms when Eddie had to tell his son that his mom had died – a sound Eddie was never going to be able to forget, no matter how long he lived. The way Buck had whimpered, as they’d tried to pull the fire-truck off his leg after the bombing – his bright, brilliant best friend barely clinging to life as they’d tried to save his life, and his leg, tears mingling with the blood and dirt on his face.</p><p>The sound the wet earth had made when the tunnel caved in on him, the silence that followed scarier than any other sound Eddie had ever heard.</p><p>The list went on, and on, and it was enough to fuel a lifetimes worth of nightmares.</p><p>But –</p><p>The scream he heard his best friend let out was up there with one of the worst things Eddie had ever heard.</p><p>It was <em>raw</em>.</p><p>Eddie loved his best friend for plenty of reasons – the list was too long to run through, there and then, as the factory burned brightly around them – but one of the reasons Eddie loved him so much was Buck’s absolute refusal to give up, on anything, on <em>anyone</em>. Eddie had seen that determination in action so many times, over the years, and he loved it, admired it, even. He was grateful for it, most of all – grateful that Buck had never given up on finding Christopher, in the aftermath of the tsunami, grateful that Buck hadn’t given up on Eddie, even when he probably deserved it, grateful that Buck had determinedly plodded on, through injuries and heartbreaks and bad days and dangerous rescues, always there, always Buck.</p><p>But as Eddie looked at Buck now, his best friend on his knees, sobbing, and yelling, the rope he was using to try and lift the tanker slack in his hands, Eddie didn’t see that determination. He saw a broken man, who looked about ready to give up.</p><p>Who’d given up.</p><p>Buck wasn’t even trying, anymore – wasn’t pulling on the rope, wasn’t doing what he usually did, cycling through a dozen half-baked ideas before he thought of something extraordinarily clever and pulled himself out of a hairy situation.</p><p>No, Buck was just – kneeling there.</p><p>He screamed again, and Eddie felt himself unfreeze, breaking away from the 118 and running the last few metres to where Buck was all but collapsed, grabbing the rope and pulling with all his might, muscles already burning in the aftermath of having dragged so many victims out of the building.</p><p>Buck’s look of shock was unmistakable, and as he turned to look at Eddie, Eddie saw something terrifying in his best friends face.</p><p>Actually –</p><p>It was more what he didn’t see, that scared him. There was nothing there except pain – no hope, no determination, the fire that Eddie was so used to seeing in Buck gone, put out by how the stress of the last few weeks had ravaged his bright, brilliant best friend. Buck was looking up at him as though he hadn’t expected anyone to come.</p><p>As though he’d accepted that this was the end.</p><p>Eddie’s stomach churned as they finally moved the tanker off the victim, dropping the rope as soon as it was safe, scrambling to Buck’s side. Ignoring Bobby, Eddie ripped his own mask off, forcefully shoving it onto a gasping Buck’s face, the other man clawing at Eddie’s hand, trying to push him away.</p><p>“Don’t fight me,” Eddie hissed, hoping it was loud enough for Buck to have heard, holding the mask exactly where it was until Buck took one deep breath, then two, then ten. Satisfied that Buck wasn’t going to take the mask off, Eddie stood up, all but dragging Buck with him, Bobby stepping in to take hold of Buck’s right side, the two of them pulling an exhausted Buck out of the burning building.</p><p>They passed off the victim to a waiting paramedic crew as they stepped out, Hen immediately in doctor-mode, pressing her fingers to the exposed skin of Buck’s neck, shaking her head. “You shouldn’t have taken your mask off,” she said, as Eddie and Bobby deposited Buck on the back step of the ambulance.</p><p>Eddie –</p><p>He needed air. He needed air that wasn’t heavy with the grief of all Buck was carrying, and so he stepped away, taking gasping, shuddering breaths in as he tried to process what the fuck had just happened.</p><p>“Eddie?” Chimney’s voice was concerned. “You okay?”</p><p>“You saw it too, right?” Eddie questioned.</p><p>Chimney looked confused. “The fire? It was a little hard to miss, Eddie.”</p><p>“No, I mean – you saw Buck, how he was acting in there,” Eddie didn’t want to say the words out-loud, because saying them out loud would make his concerns real, and he wasn’t sure if he was ready to do that.</p><p>“He was being Buck,” Chimney shrugged, apparently oblivious. “He was doing everything he could to get that victim out. That’s nothing new, Eddie.”</p><p>Eddie shook his head. “There’s something wrong, Chim.”</p><p>Chimney laughed bitterly. “I’d say there’s a lot of things wrong right now, Eddie.”</p><p>“No – you’re not getting it Chim,” Eddie sighed, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “He had given up, by time we got to him. When have you ever seen Buck give up? Even the times when he probably should have? He was drugged out of his mind on painkillers and he still came to my end of probation ceremony. He’s never given up before, not even when all the odds were stacked against him. You know as well as I do that he’s gotten out of tighter spots than that before, and he’s done it with a smile on his face.”</p><p>Chimney’s face had darkened, concern etched into every line. “Are you saying what I think you are, Eddie?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Eddie knew they were on the same wavelength now. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong, Chim.”</p><p>“I – you know Buck, better than any of us,” Chimney said, his voice low. “And you are probably the only person who can push this with him. You need – you need to find out if what you’re thinking is actually the case, and then you need to go to Bobby.”</p><p>Eddie felt like he was going to have a damned panic attack. It couldn’t – it couldn’t be true, right? Maybe he’d just misinterpreted what he’d seen in the midst of a blazing inferno – it wouldn’t be the first time, nor would it be the last.</p><p>But Eddie couldn’t shake the niggling worry that he was right, in what he was thinking, because Chimney was right – he did know Buck better than anyone, and Eddie knew there was something truly, deeply wrong with what he had seen in the factory.</p><p>He just didn’t know how to fix it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Buck was faking it. If you didn’t know him as well as Eddie did, you might not realise – his smile seemed bright, and he was talking a mile a minute, as usual, so it didn’t seem like anything was that different. But it was, Eddie knew there was something wrong.</p><p>Buck had tells.</p><p>He was fidgeting, more, for one. Buck did that, a lot, and at first glance you’d just shrug and write it off as a usual symptom of ADHD, but it wasn’t. Well, it was – but it wasn’t, in the sense that if Eddie knew anything about Buck, he knew the younger man managed his ADHD extraordinarily well, to the point where most people didn’t realise he had it. The fidgeting, the tapping feet, the way Buck was twirling his pen between his fingers, not even noticing the frustrated glares he was getting from the squad as he clicked the pen on every count of five – those were habits that only resurfaced when Buck was particularly stressed, or sad, or generally just overly emotional.</p><p>His happiness was entirely fake.</p><p>“Hey,” Eddie greeted, brushing a hand against Buck’s elbow, warning his friend of his presence so that Buck didn’t jump out of his skin when he spoke. “How does takeout and a movie sound? Christopher was asking me this morning if you were going to come and hang out soon.”</p><p>Buck’s smile was tired, and about as sincere as Eddie’s reassurances to his grandmother than he still went to mass, once a week. “I can’t tonight,” he shook his head, closing his locker gently. “Sorry. Give the little man a hug from me, though.”</p><p>Eddie raised an eyebrow. “What have you got going on instead?”</p><p>“Albert and I figured we’d make dinner, and hang out,” Buck explained. “I know – I know it doesn’t seem, all that important, but the guy lives with me now, so we might as well get to know each other. And he’s going to be my brother, one of these days.”</p><p>Eddie wasn’t quite sure if he believed Buck, but the fire-station locker room wasn’t the place to start the argument. “Hey, no worries,” he reassured. “Let’s do something this weekend, then? We’re on a 48 off, and Christopher has been begging to go to the park.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Buck didn’t sound the slightest bit excited, which was surprising, because normally Buck jumped at the chance to spend any time with Christopher – something Eddie was eternally grateful for, of course – and yet now, it was as if Eddie was proposing they go grocery shopping on their 48 off.</p><p>“Buck, you know you can talk to me, right?” Eddie tugged on Buck’s elbow. “If there’s anything wrong, you can talk to me about it.”</p><p>Buck forced himself to smile. “I know, Eddie,” he reassured. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”</p><p>Eddie sighed as he watched Buck head out, slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong – really wrong – and Chimney arriving to grab his gear provided him with the perfect opportunity.</p><p>“Chim?” Eddie questioned. “Do you know what Albert is up to, later?”</p><p>Chimney looked confused. “Uh – he’s gone to Big Bear this week, with some of his classmates, they’re doing a study retreat – which is a blatant lie, but I’m not going to start parenting him. Why?”</p><p>Why?</p><p>Because it proved Buck was lying through his teeth.</p><p>“No reason,” Eddie hummed, clapping Chimney on the back. “I’ll see you tomorrow, man.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The late afternoon sun felt like it was soaking right down into Eddie’s bones as he sat on the back-porch with Abuela, the two of them watching Christopher play.</p><p>Abuela, against Eddie’s pleading, had decided to buy Christopher an utterly ridiculous arts and crafts set, and while Abuela had the authority to ask Chris to use it outside so her house wouldn’t end up covered in glitter and glue, Eddie knew he wouldn’t win that battle, and he’d be picking clumps of glitter out of his carpet until Christopher was about twenty-one.</p><p>“You’re quiet, Eddie,” Abuela hummed, taking a sip of her coffee. “What’s on your mind?”</p><p>What was on his mind?</p><p>Where to start.</p><p>Eddie glanced at his grandmother, nursing his own coffee. “Abuela, can I ask you for some advice?”</p><p>Abuela’s smile was warm, and familiar, comforting in all the ways it reminded Eddie of long summers in Texas when she’d come to visit while his father was away, of Christmases in Los Angeles and all the ways Abuela had been a steady presence in his life, his entire life. “You can always ask me for advice, Eddie.”</p><p>Eddie swallowed, thinking for a second. “How can you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped?”</p><p>“That sounds serious, Eddie,” Abuela was immediately concerned, her heart too big for her body and full of love for every person she came across – Eddie’s friends weren’t the exception. She was crocheting a baby blanket for Maddie, and she’d forced him to bring a stack of recipes for curing colds to Hen, once, when her kids had been sick, and Buck had a standing invite to Diaz family dinners. That was just how she was.</p><p>“I think it might be.”</p><p>“Well,” Abuela shifted in her chair, so she was facing him. “I think that if someone is not ready to accept your help, yet, you can’t really do anything.”</p><p>“That’s really not the answer I was hoping for, abuela,” Eddie sighed, shaking his head.</p><p>“Think of the times you needed help, Eddie,” Abuela prodded. “If someone had forced the issue with you, would you have responded well to their help? However well-intentioned they were being?”</p><p>Eddie closed his eyes for a second, thinking back to – to well, the street fighting, because he’d needed help then, everything he’d been doing back then had been a cry – no, a scream – for help and even when it was offered, Eddie had shoved it away, had kept shoving it away until he’d almost gone too far and he realised he needed to accept what was being offered.</p><p>If Buck had been around, then, if the lawsuit hadn’t been happening, Eddie wasn’t sure he’d have acted any differently. If anything – Buck’s continued offers of help would have made it worse, would have made him angrier, because it would have meant that someone had seen through his carefully build façade and seen the broken man beneath.</p><p>“What if….” Eddie trailed off, wanting to be sure Christopher wasn’t eavesdropping. That was a fun new thing his kid had started doing. “What if you’re worried someone might hurt themselves, if you don’t force them to accept your help?”</p><p>Abuela’s hand was gentle, on his arm, as she reached across from him. “Then I would say you need to force your help on them kindly,” she said, pausing for a second. “It’s hard, Eddie, to admit when you’re at a point of – of breaking,” she continued. “Whatever you do, do it kindly. I’m sure Buck needs that from you.”</p><p>Eddie looked at his grandmother, his heart thundering in his chest. “How did you know I was talking about Buck?”</p><p>“I think he’s the only person besides Christopher you’d look so worried about,” Abuela explained. “And you said he was having some family issues. I may be old, Edmundo, but I’m not stupid yet.”</p><p>“You never will be,” Eddie reassured, holding tightly to his Abuela’s hand. “What if I can’t fix this, abuela? For – Evan, I mean,” he said, deciding to use Buck’s real name at the last second, conscious Christopher would flip his shit with excitement if they even mentioned Buck’s name. Christopher was young enough to have not realised Buck’s real name was definitely not – well, Buck – just yet.</p><p>“I don’t think you need to fix it,” Abuela was thoughtful. “I think you need to be there for him, and support him, while he figures out how he can fix whatever is going on in his life.”</p><p>“It doesn’t feel like enough,” Eddie sighed.</p><p>“It is enough,” Abuela reassured him, squeezing his hand tightly. “<em>You</em> are enough, Eddie.”</p><p>Eddie gave her a grateful smile. “Abuela?” he asked. “Would you – would you mind if Christopher stayed here tonight?” he hated to impose on her, but with Carla still self-isolating, he didn’t have all that many options, and Buck would never open up to him if Chris was there.</p><p>Abuela nodded. “One of these days, I’m just not going to give him back to you,” she declared happily.</p><p>“You’d never!”</p><p>“Watch me, Edmundo.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Chris, I need you to be extra good for abuela tonight, okay?” Eddie crouched in front of his son.</p><p>Christopher nodded, the glint of the braces he now wore making Eddie realise just how old his baby was actually getting. “I promise, dad,” he reassured. “Where are you going again?”</p><p>“I’ve got a friend who really needs my help,” Eddie explained. “You know how I told you that you should be extra nice to Jackson, because he was having a tough time, so you said that you gave him a hug every morning for a week?”</p><p>Christopher nodded.</p><p>“I’ve got a friend who needs that, too,” Eddie explained.</p><p>“Can I help?” Christopher asked sweetly, sincere in his question. This kid – this kid was going to melt Eddie’s heart, one of these days.</p><p>“You can definitely help,” Eddie reassured. “Just not tonight. I need to help this friend figure out some grown up stuff, first.”</p><p>Christopher pulled a face. “Boring.”</p><p>Eddie barely stifled a laugh. “It’s not just boring just because you aren’t interested in it, buddy,” he hugged Christopher tightly, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I love you so much, kid. You know that, right?”</p><p>Christopher beamed. “I love you too, dad.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Eddie paused for a second, before knocking on Buck’s apartment door. He had a key, sure – and Eddie had never been opposed to using it, letting himself into the loft to drag Buck out of the apartment day after day, when he’d been recovering from the bombing – but something about letting himself in and forcing the conversation Eddie wanted them to have felt like it was overstepping some sort of line, and considering he and Buck didn’t exactly have many lines left to cross, it felt like something he shouldn’t ignore.</p><p>“Hey – Eddie?” Buck looked utterly confused by his presence, the sleep shirt and trousers he was wearing pretty indicative that he didn’t have company – as if Chimney’s admission hadn’t been reassurance enough.</p><p>“Albert not home?” Eddie questioned.</p><p>“Oh, he’s picking up takeout,” Buck explained, not opening the gap in the door any wider. “I didn’t know you were coming over – I’d have told him to pick up extra.”</p><p>“Weird, how Albert is the one picking up takeout when he doesn’t have a car, and yours is parked right outside, in your space,” Eddie countered, raising an eyebrow. “You know what’s even weirder? Chimney told me today that Albert is in Big Bear all week long. Bit of a long way to go to pick you up takeout, isn’t it?”</p><p>Buck’s face fell as he realised he’d been caught. “Eddie…”</p><p>“We can have this conversation in your hallway, for all your neighbours to hear,” Eddie interrupted. “Or I can come inside. Either way, we’re having this conversation.”</p><p>Buck looked too tired to fight him on it, reluctantly stepping back and opening his front door fully, letting Eddie inside the apartment. “Eddie, I’m – “</p><p>“If the next word in that sentence is ‘fine,’ Buck, we’re going to end up having a fight, and that’s not why I’m here,” Eddie said, closing the front door gently behind him.</p><p>“Why are you here?”</p><p>“I’m here because I care, asshole,” Eddie snarked back, unable to stop himself. “Buck, you’re clearly not okay.”</p><p>Buck let out a dry laugh. “Eddie, my entire life got turned upside down, I’m obviously not fucking okay,” he replied. “But that’s not your problem.”</p><p>“It is,” Eddie shook his head. “It is my problem, Buck, because I care about you – and I’m worried. What – what did you mean when you said that you almost gave up?”</p><p>Buck looked uncomfortable. “I meant that I almost gave up on getting the victim free,” he said, sounding as though he was trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince Eddie of his words. “That’s all.”</p><p>“You want to try that again?”</p><p>Buck let out a frustrated sigh. “Sorry I’m not telling you what you want to hear, Eddie, but it’s the truth.”</p><p>“See, that’s where you’re wrong,” Eddie shook his head. “I don’t want to hear the truth, because I think I know what the truth is, Buck, and it scares me.”</p><p>“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Buck shook his head, staring determinedly at a spot on the wall behind Eddie’s head.</p><p>“I can deal with a lot,” Eddie reassured, approaching Buck, slowly, softly, as if he was approaching some sort of wild animal. “I can deal with you shouting or screaming at me. That’s all fine, Buck. But the one thing I can’t deal with is you lying to me, Buck. Not you, of all people. So – I’m going to ask you again, and don’t you dare lie to me. What did you mean when you said you almost gave up?”</p><p>Buck looked as though he was panicking, his hands opening and closing rapidly. “I – I don’t know how to say it, Eddie.”</p><p>Eddie gave him a pleading look. “Buck, please.”</p><p>“I – I almost gave up on getting out of that fire,” Buck said, the admission feeling like a gut punch to Eddie as he heard the words.</p><p>“<em>Buck</em>.”</p><p>“Don’t,” Buck shook his head, backing away from Eddie. “Whatever you’re going to say, don’t. You – you can’t handle me lying, Eddie, but I can’t handle your pity.”</p><p>“I’m not – I’m not here out of pity, Buck,” Eddie shook his head. “I’m here because you’re my best friend, and I was worried about you. I am worried about you. Everyone else – they thought you meant the victim. But I saw your face, Buck – right when I got there before everyone else. I heard how you screamed.”</p><p>Buck’s eyes were welling with tears. “I didn’t think anyone could hear me over the noise of the fire – and the hoses,” he admitted, his voice thick with emotion that Eddie couldn’t quite place. He stumbled, reaching out for the kitchen counter, looking as though he was struggling to hold himself upright.</p><p>“I heard you,” Eddie said softly. “I always hear you, Buck.”</p><p>That seemed to be enough to break, Buck, a sob ripped from Buck’s mouth as he finally stopped trying to hold back for the sake of Eddie, of everyone, and just let himself cry.</p><p>That was another sound to add to Eddie’s list of things he hoped he’d never hear again. If he’d thought the way Buck had screamed, when he was trapped in the factory fire, had been raw, and primal, this was a thousand times worse – this was raw in ways that churned Eddie’s stomach, raw and broken and helpless, Buck’s sobs wracking his entire body and breaking Eddie’s heart in the process.</p><p>“Oh, Buck,” Eddie did the only thing he could think of doing, and reached out for his best friend, Buck helpless to do anything except accept the embrace, Eddie’s heart thundering in his chest as Buck finally let go of the kitchen counter, clinging tightly to Eddie’s shoulders, the sheer force of his sobs shaking both of their bodies.</p><p>Eddie wasn’t sure how long they stood there, like that, Buck’s face tucked into the groove between Eddie’s neck, and shoulder, but after a while Buck’s hysterical tears slowed to tired, hiccupping sobs, Eddie stroking a gentle hand across Buck’s back, trying to soothe his friend the same way he soothed Christopher, when he was upset.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Buck started to pull away.</p><p>“No,” Eddie interrupted fiercely. “Don’t apologise, Buck.”</p><p>“You’ve got enough to deal with, without me adding to it,” Buck shook his head, trying to pull away again, Eddie keeping a vice grip of Buck’s waist. “Eddie, please.”</p><p>“No,” Eddie looked directly at Buck, gripping the other mans t-shirt tightly. “Why would you not tell me, Buck? We tell each other everything; that’s the deal.”</p><p>And that was the deal. When the pandemic hit, and the whole world had been turned upside down, and they’d ended up quarantining together in Buck’s cramped loft, they’d gotten closer than ever – talking about their greatest fears, insecurities.</p><p>Eddie knew all there was to know - and so did Buck. Eddie knew that Buck’s first kiss had been an act of rebellion in itself, a boy, three weeks into high school at his first real party. Buck knew that Shannon had been Eddie’s first – and only, for a long time. Buck knew that Eddie pretended to be allergic to mushrooms, but actually, he just didn’t like them very much, but the lie had gone on for so long now, there was no going back.</p><p>Buck knew about how Eddie still wondered, sometimes, if he’d ever be able to get fully over Shannon, and Buck also knew how guilty Eddie had felt for hating Shannon, those first few weeks after she’d died, because the woman he’d been so convinced was the love of life, had wanted a divorce – and Eddie knew now, she’d been right, but he didn’t know then. And Eddie knew, how Abby still haunted Buck, a little, despite the closure, because Buck had been so sure of their relationship, and the reality had knocked him for six. Buck knew how Eddie still felt like he was the worlds worst father, sometimes, for abandoning his kid to serve his country, a country that hadn’t been kind in return, for uprooting Christopher from Texas and reuniting him with his mom, only to have Chris lose her again, a few months later – and lose her permanently, this time.</p><p>The point was –</p><p>Buck knew it all. His every worry, and insecurity, and random fact.</p><p>“I don’t want to be a burden,” Buck finally admitted, his face pressed to the material of Eddie’s sweater, tears making the soft cotton damp, trying to hide from his own words.</p><p>Eddie gently pushed at Buck’s face, moving him so they were eye-to-eye again. “Burden me,” he said simply, brushing at Buck’s tears with the pad of his thumb. “I don’t mind. I want to be there for you. So, burden me, Buck. I can carry it for the both of us.”</p><p>Buck looked as though he wanted to cry, again. “Yeah,” he relented. “Okay.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“If you want me to understand,” Eddie prodded gently, the two of them sitting against Buck’s deeply uncomfortable headboard (Eddie made a mental note to have a conversation about Buck’s taste in aesthetically pleasing, but less than functional, furniture, later), Buck clutching a mug of tea as if it held the answers to the universe. “You’re going to need to talk to me, Buck.”</p><p>Buck nodded, picking at a loose thread in the duvet cover he had pulled up around his knees. Buck had been the one to suggest they chat upstairs, in the lofted bedroom – and Eddie got it, honestly. When the bombing had happened, Buck had retreated under the covers, and his room had become his safe space, when he could finally tackle the stairs – and maybe Buck had been trapped there too, in the end, but Eddie understood more than anyone that familiar places you’d been trapped in were better than the unknown, sometimes.  </p><p>Tucking his feet under Buck’s plush duvet, enjoying the warmth, Eddie twisted so he was staring intently at Buck.</p><p>“Are you trying to read my mind?” Buck mumbled a question.</p><p>“Yes,” Eddie responded cheekily, hoping to get a smile out of his dejected best friend. “Seeing as you won’t talk to me.”</p><p>“I don’t know how,” Buck practically whined, rubbing a frustrated hand across his face.</p><p>“Nothing you say, is going to make me think differently of you, Buck,” Eddie reached for the hand that wasn’t holding tightly to the mug of – peppermint? It was definitely peppermint – tea Buck was apparently trying to drink entirely via osmosis. “I promise.”</p><p>Buck was quiet. “Don’t promise that until you’ve heard me out.”</p><p>“You know the worst parts of me,” Eddie said simply. “And you’ve never judged them, Buck. Why would I judge you?”</p><p>Buck squeezed Eddie’s hand tightly. “I told you, that I used to – I used to do a lot of insane things to get my parents attention,” he began, Eddie giving his hand a reassuring squeeze in return, encouraging him to continue. “I – I could talk all night about the kind of shit I used to get up to, all to get a bit of their attention, even just to have them yell at me, because it was better than the alternative – living in silence.”</p><p>Eddie nodded. Buck had told them all this – made a joke out it, actually, describing the skateboarding tricks gone wrong, and trees climbed, and the epic fight that had resulted after Buck had sank all his money into a ridiculous dangerous motorcycle. They were all able to see the hurt, deep down, though.</p><p>“It was exhausting,” Buck admitted, his voice thick with tears. “It was so exhausting, Eddie. I felt – I felt like I had to walk through fire every day of my life just to justify my own existence, and I never knew why. And even after I left – I kept doing it. Maybe it wasn’t dangerous things, anymore, but it was all for the sake of attention, because I just – I craved the attention so badly. I think I still do, in a lot of ways.”</p><p>Eddie didn’t need to be a therapist to know that was why Buck 1.0 (however much he disagreed with the silly nickname, because Buck was Buck, regardless of what phase he went through in his early twenties) had been the way he was, seeking out physical intimacy as a way to replace the void a childhood raised by absent parents had resulted in.</p><p>“And when they came to visit – I felt like that, all over again,” Buck continued. “I felt like I was twelve and desperately trying to get them to notice me, and I didn’t know why, still, until they told me about Daniel – and then it made sense, that I had spent my entire life trying to live up to the ideal of their dead son. My dead brother. I – I was never going to live up to that, I never can, Eddie, not when I know the only reason I was born was to save his life and I couldn’t even do that.”</p><p>“Buck…”</p><p>“No, let me finish,” Buck interrupted, shaking his head. He’d set the tea down, by now, his entire focus on Eddie’s hand. “I was tired, of it all, tired of trying to be the person they wanted me to be, tired of not being the son they wanted. They brought Maddie her baby box – and told me in the same breath that I didn’t have one. How was that supposed to make me feel?”</p><p>Like shit, Eddie’s brain supplied.</p><p>He wasn’t a vengeful man – not really. But the way Buck and Maddie’s parents treated them made Eddie wish he was.</p><p>“I was just so tired,” Buck repeated, shaking fingers tracing a line on Eddie’s palm. “I was so tired, Eddie, and I went into that fire – and I went looking for you, and Bobby, and I don’t know if I did it for the victim, or just to distract myself from everything going on inside my brain. Then – then we got trapped inside, and the tank fell on Saleh’s leg, and I couldn’t get it to move, and I just thought – who is going to miss me, really, if I don’t make it out of here? My parents never wanted me; it’d probably be a blessing for them to not have to worry about what I’m doing to put myself in danger. I’ve never been anyone’s first choice. So I just – I let myself wonder.”</p><p>“Wonder what, exactly?” Eddie hated to ask.</p><p>“Wonder if it would be so bad if I just didn’t exist, anymore,” Buck admitted, still refusing to make eye-contact with Eddie.</p><p>Eddie couldn’t stop the shocked breath that left his mouth, Buck’s head snapping up in panic, his best friend looking at him, wide-eyed.</p><p>“It was only for a second, Eddie, I swear,” Buck continued to ramble. “You have to believe me.”</p><p>Eddie wanted to – really, he did.</p><p>But he wasn’t so sure.</p><p>“What would you have done, if we hadn’t found you, when we did?” Eddie asked simply. That was the question he needed to know the answer to, really – the one that had been haunting him since they’d gotten out of that factory fire.</p><p>Buck looked at him, his eyes as wide as saucers and wet with tears. He looked so tired – so utterly exhausted by the magnificent mess his life had become in the week since his parents had arrived, and all Eddie wanted to do was exactly what he still did with Christopher, on bad days; scoop Buck into his arms and reassure him that everything would be absolutely fine.</p><p>Eddie just wasn’t sure if Buck was willing to hear that.</p><p>Buck’s voice was barely audible, as he spoke. “I don’t know, Eddie.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I don’t know, Eddie. I don’t know, Eddie. </em>
</p><p>Eddie had played those words over, and over, and over again, the whole night long as Buck had slept in his arms, tired from crying his heart out, exhausted from the emotional disaster the last few days had been.</p><p>Eddie? He hadn’t slept a wink, if he was being honest. The first hour, he’d just watched Buck sleep, reassured by the steady rise and fall of the other mans chest, counting every huff of breath that escaped Buck’s mouth. The next few hours he’d worried, mostly – about what to do, what to say, how he could help.</p><p>Around five am, Eddie had given up on the promise of sleep, easing himself out of Buck’s iron grip, pacing the loft for the better part of an hour before he’d decided he needed a distraction, starting on Buck’s laundry, managing to finish cleaning Buck’s entire kitchen, and filling his dishwasher before he heard Buck start to rise.</p><p>(Sue him – Eddie had always been a stress cleaner.)</p><p>“Eddie?” Buck’s sleep heavy voice called from the loft.</p><p>“I’m still here,” Eddie reassured, taking a deep breath before he headed back upstairs, two at a time.</p><p>Buck looked utterly fucking adorable, all soft and sleep ruffled, rubbing at his eyes as he slowly woke. “Hi,” he said quietly, awkwardly, as though he didn’t know what to say. Eddie didn’t blame him, really – it was hard to face someone after you’d broken down completely in their arms. It was human nature, to be a bit mortified – even if the embarrassment wasn’t needed.</p><p>Eddie took a steadying breath. “I’d miss you,” he said firmly.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“If you hadn’t made it out of that factory fire – if you’d died in the tsunami, if you hadn’t survived the bombing, or any of the million other ways you’ve almost died in the years I’ve known you,” Eddie said in a rush. “I’d miss you, if you weren’t here, Buck.”</p><p>Buck looked as though he didn’t know what to say.</p><p>“I’d miss you,” Eddie repeated. “Christopher would miss you,” he continued. “My son thinks the sun shines out of your ass, Buckley, and if you ever put me in the position where I have to explain to my kid that his favourite person in the world isn’t around anymore, I’ll bring you back to life and kill you myself.”</p><p>“Eddie – “</p><p>“No, let me talk,” Eddie interrupted fiercely, surprised by the tears that sprang up in his eyes as he spoke. “I let you talk last night, but you need to let me talk now.”</p><p>Buck looked shocked but nodded.</p><p>“Your parents are shitty,” Eddie acknowledged. “But you told me that they don’t matter, that’s why you forgave them. Is that true?”</p><p>“I – I think so,” Buck said. “They’re still my parents, Eddie, its complicated.”</p><p>Fine.</p><p>That was fair.</p><p>“I love you,” Eddie blurted.</p><p>“Why do you sound so angry about it?” Buck looked utterly confused – and hurt.</p><p>“Because you told me last night that you’d considered letting yourself die, Buck!” Eddie practically yelled, closing his eyes and counting backward from ten before he continued. “Even if it was just for a second, Buck, you still considered it.”</p><p>“Eddie – “</p><p>“No, you get tough love today,” Eddie shook his head, tossing Buck’s phone on the bed. “Call Doctor Copeland, now.”</p><p>Buck shook his head, thumbing nervously at his phone. “I can’t.”</p><p>“You can,” Eddie countered. “Do you need me to dial the number? Because I will. You need to speak to someone – a professional. Even if – even if it was just for a second, Buck, you still had a…” Eddie couldn’t say the words. “You thought about dying. If that’s not a good enough reason to call your therapist, Buck, I don’t know what is.”</p><p>Buck was quiet for a second. “Can you dial the number?” he asked quietly, unlocking his phone and holding it out to Eddie.</p><p>Eddie nodded, sitting on the edge of Buck’s bed, scrolling through Buck’s contact list until he found Doctor Copeland’s office number, hitting dial. Buck’s hands were shaking, shaking so much Eddie didn’t think he’d be able to hold the phone – and so he put it on speakerphone, holding it out for Buck to speak as the receptionist answered.</p><p>“Hi, my – my name is Evan Buckley,” Buck began, eyes squeezed shut as he spoke, Eddie running a gentle hand through his friends hair as he spoke. “I’m a patient of Doctor Copeland’s. I wondered – I wondered if she had an opening for an emergency session?”</p><p>Eddie watched Buck carefully as the receptionist read through the available appointments, pride welling in his chest as Buck accepted one for the following morning, quiet relief spreading across Buck’s face as the receptionist assured Doctor Copeland would call him at ten am.</p><p>“What now?” Buck’s voice was tiny.</p><p>“Now, you find your meds, and you pack a bag, and you come stay with me,” Eddie said, tugging on Buck’s chin, looking at him intently. “If you want to.”</p><p>“I don’t want to impose.”</p><p>“I didn’t ask that,” Eddie pointed out. “Do you want to stay with me and Christopher for a while?”</p><p>Buck nodded. “Yeah.”</p><p>“Then pack a bag,” Eddie repeated, the corners of his mouth quirking up in the beginnings of a grin. “I sort of did all your laundry already.”</p><p>That, at least, roused a laugh from Buck. “No one believes me when I say you stress clean.”</p><p>“And you still don’t separate your whites and colours,” Eddie pointed out, his heartbeat finally returning to a normal, not anxiety-induced, rhythm as Buck finally smiled. “You can say no to me, if you want.”</p><p>“I thought I was getting tough love Eddie?” Buck countered.</p><p>“Sure,” Eddie hummed. “But tough love Eddie isn’t an asshole, and he can leave you alone – if that’s what you need.”</p><p>Buck reached for one of Eddie’s hands, doing exactly what he did the previous evening – tracing a pattern on Eddie’s upturned palm, his forehead creased with concentration as his fingers gently moved across Eddie’s skin. Not enough for it to tickle, no, just enough for Eddie to be grounded in Buck’s presence. “I need tough love Eddie, I think,” he admitted, looking up, hesitation written all over his face.</p><p>“You have him,” Eddie reassured. “You have me, Buck – regardless of anyone else, no matter what anyone else in the world does, or says, you have me. Okay? I notice you. I notice you; I hear you; I see you. I have from the moment I first met you. You don’t have to do anything crazy to get my attention – all you have to do is be you, Buck. Do you get that?”</p><p>Eddie –</p><p>He’d never been all that good with words, not with the kind of words you needed to be able to pour your heart out, to reassure someone of your love with words. Eddie had always been a man of action – and so often, actions did speak louder than words, but not now, and not for Buck, not ever. Buck needed words, and Eddie struggled with that, sometimes.</p><p>But he was trying, and he just – he needed Buck to understand.</p><p>“I think I’m starting to,” Buck replied quietly.</p><p>“Losing you would break me,” Eddie said simply. “It would – I wouldn’t survive it, Buck. So please just – just know that I’d miss you. I miss you even when you’re with me.”</p><p>“You do?”</p><p>Eddie nodded. “It never feels like I’ve got enough time, for you and me,” he admitted, voicing his greatest concern – because there was never enough time. He hadn’t had enough time with Shannon. He hadn’t had enough time with Christopher, when he was a baby, and now his little boy was growing up, and time was slipping through his fingers. And – Eddie wasn’t sure if there was such a thing as having enough time with Evan Buckley.</p><p>Even if he had a lifetime, Eddie wasn’t sure if it would be enough – because, well, he still needed some time now, to fully process his grief for Shannon, to be ready to be the kind of man who could spend a lifetime with someone like Buck.</p><p>“But I definitely won’t have enough time if you give up on me,” Eddie continued, cupping Buck’s face in his hands. “So let me help you, Buck. Burden me. Tell me every single worry and bad thought – just, let me be here, for you. Let that be enough, please.”</p><p>Buck let out a shaky breath, nodding as much as he could with Eddie’s hands either side of his face, keeping him close. “That’s enough, Eddie. I swear.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You know,” Buck said a few hours later, watching Eddie stir a pot of mac and cheese – the ultimate, GMO, food colouring laced, comfort food. Buck’s duffel bag was half unpacked in Eddie’s room, Buck having already claimed the right side of Eddie’s bed, closest to the window, for himself. His shoes were by the door, and his iPad was on the table, and Eddie could see him, could reassure himself at any moment that Buck was there, and that he would be okay – even if Buck really wasn’t okay, for a while there. “For the record, I love you too.”</p><p>Eddie snorted, shaking his head. “Shut up.”</p><p>Buck pressed a kiss to Eddie’s clothed shoulder. “Thanks,” he said after a beat of silence. “For having my back.”</p><p>Eddie let the words wash over him, the memory of a long-ago conversation making him smile. “Anytime.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>fin. </strong>
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